a shift

Well, this might be winding down, this thing between the Cyclist and I. I don't know.

There's been a shift with how he usually reaches out. Normally I would assume he's just really busy on this business trip and all but something in my gut is telling me that he's distancing himself. I mean, why would someone who was normally responsive suddenly not be? Maybe he met a cute girl. Maybe friends or loved ones shared advice that made him think. Maybe he was uncomfortable with talking to me in and around Valentine's Day (which has to be the stupidest explanation my brain suggested), or maybe he was uncomfortable with the sense that my feelings are growing. Or maybe he wants out and doesn't want to do it so will just withdraw until I do. I really don't know.

I get a lot of joy out of caring for someone and I don't necessarily need someone to feel the same way back because the feeling itself is enriching -- I mean, isn't that what we do with our pets? Bask in the warmth we feel just knowing them? I had a parakeet once that I loved deeply. I'm pretty sure he thought I was a nice person and that it was fun sometimes to sit on my shoulder and chatter in my ear but I adored giving him special treats and toys and watching him play. I doted on that bird for a decade -- he lived a nice long life for a parakeet. The whole experience was just wonderful; it's simply enriching to care.

However, it's not rewarding in a vacuum -- I do want a sense that they like me back. I visited a friend recently with a few cats, only one of whom crawled into my lap and purred when I nuzzled my hand into the soft fur at his neck. The others kept their distance. When people and animals want your company, they reach out.

Anyway, so I wondered what to do about this sense. It took me a long time to decide how to respond when he finally did reply, briefly, after a long period of unusual radio silence. At first I wasn't going to say anything, but if you have a friend who is always on time and suddenly something changes, you would wonder what happened. You wouldn't necessarily assume it was a signal, but you'd inquire. So in the end, I opted for the honest road and asked.